Karma Read online

  “I let you strip me.”

  “Doing that simply means that, one, you trusted me not to take advantage of our situation. Two, you knew I honestly only took off your clothes to make you more comfortable. And three, your heart already understood we’re connected in the most amazing way even if your brain hadn’t caught up with it yet.”

  Abby searched his face but didn’t respond. When she did speak, it was to continue her narrative of the previous evening. “By the time Earl finished gloating over my shock, he was furious. I tried to back away so I could stand up but he noticed. You can imagine the sorts of things he screamed at me for opening his mail and questioning him. And you were right, every statement ended with a kick. I kept hoping he would break a rib so it would puncture my lung. I tried to curl up as tight as I could but he grabbed the arm I was covering my head with. He dragged me to the kitchen and yanked me up in front of the refrigerator. He opened it and shoved me halfway inside and wanted to know what kind of slop I thought I was going to pass off as dinner. He kept pushing me until the shelf on the door broke. That’s what caused the stripe on my hip.”

  Jesse watched her fighting to hold in the tears. He wanted to comfort her but understood she needed to get through this on her own.

  “By then I was sure he was going to keep at me until he killed me. When his pushing made me knock some jars off the broken shelf, he forced me to the floor in the middle of the mess. He wrapped my hair around his hand and used it to drag me back and forth through it. He kept laughing that his mixture probably tasted better than whatever I had planned. Once he realized I had gone limp, he let me go. He was always disgusted when I stopped struggling. To him, that confirmed how much I knew I needed him to watch out for me. He insisted that messing things up like I always did was my pathetic way of asking for his help.

  “Sometimes, when he hurt me, he would do it again the next day, just to be sure I got the point. Last night, I knew today would bring a repeat lesson. If I’d stayed, I know I would have fought back until he killed me. I would have pushed him until it was finally over. I think I was even ready for that until Trevor sat in front of me and pushed me with his nose. If I were dead, Earl would kill him too and I couldn’t let that happen.”

  Jesse had to ask. “Who’s Trevor? You haven’t mentioned him before.”

  “My only friend. He’s a golden retriever and he loves me. Earl got him for me to prove I shouldn’t have children. He must have expected me to do something stupid so he could have the dog destroyed. I think Trevor sensed that somehow, because he was the best puppy. He never chewed things or went in the house. When Earl hurt me, Trevor would stay out of sight until after he left. He didn’t try to sit on the sofa. I got him one of those dog beds and he knew he had to sleep in it. He didn’t splash water out of his dish or make noise with his toys. He never barked at Earl or his friends. The morning after one of those times, I would take Trevor to my mom’s house. For some reason, Earl didn’t mind that. I would go get him again after things were back to normal.”

  “Is he at your mom’s now?” Jesse was more than a little afraid Earl would take his anger out on her dog.

  “Not this time. When I was young there was this woman, Janice, who lived down the street from us. I would stop at her house on my way home from school sometimes. When my dad left and my mom sold the house, we kept in touch. For some reason, I didn’t say much about her to my mom. I didn’t ever mention her to Earl. Last night, I called and told Janice some of what was going on and asked if she would take care of Trevor for me until I could get back for him. I dropped him off this morning and I know he’ll be fine. She always had a dog. I took Trevor with me a few times when I visited so he already knows her.” She sniffled. “Trevor likes to play with Janice’s cocker spaniel so he won’t be lonely.”

  Abby rolled onto her side away from him. She curled into a fetal position and buried her head between her arms. Her body was racked with silent sobs.

  He hesitated a moment before moving so his chest was pressing against her back. He slipped one arm under her head and wrapped the other around her waist, carefully avoiding her bruises as he mentally located them. He drew up his knees to make contact with as much of her as he could.

  “It’s over now, precious,” he crooned softly as he held her. “Earl can’t hurt you anymore. He’s done controlling your life.”

  “I’m so ashamed.” Her voice was so muffled he almost missed the comment. “I’m just so stupid. It’s all my fault. Earl was right. I can’t ever do anything right.”

  Jesse forced his anger at the man who made her feel this way from the front of his mind. This wasn’t the time. “You are not stupid. I don’t understand why Earl needed to strip you of your confidence and transform you into someone you’re not. But this is not your fault. None of it. He’s the one with the problem. He’s the one who’s too insecure to let you be the woman you are. This morning when we met, I could see you had a migraine. I could see that Henderson petrified you. I could see something else was terribly wrong. But there were so many other things. Like determination. Goodness. A hint of sparkle. Sweetness. Caring. I saw a woman hiding inside a shell who made me want to reach in and pull her out so I could really meet her.”

  She continued to cry as she let him hold her. “How can you say that? I let him do those things to me. I didn’t leave when he hit me. I kept trying to have dinner parties for his friends. He’d invite them over to give me another chance and he’d wait until I had everything just about ready and then he’d ruin something. He’d toss the salad onto the floor or turn off the oven. Or switch it to broil. Or slam the door if I prepared a soufflé. And I never said a word when he explained to his friends what I’d done to force them all to go out for dinner that time. I let him berate me and go on about my lack of cooking ability. I apologized every time too. Jesse, I kept eating everything in sight so I looked like this and he wouldn’t touch me instead of leaving like any sane person would do. I’m nuts. You should get someone to lock me up. It would be better for me if you did.”

  “But it wouldn’t be better for me,” he stated quietly but firmly. “If I let them lock you away, I’d miss out on my future, my destiny. You don’t want to mess with that, do you? I’ve heard that it’s very dangerous to ignore what the cosmos have planned. I finally found you. Please don’t take you away from me.”

  “You can’t mean that. There’s something wrong with me. Weren’t you listening?”

  “I assure you that I heard every word. But I don’t agree that there’s anything wrong with you. Men like Earl are very persuasive. He drew you in until you believed he was what you wanted. The changes must have started very subtly. By the time you were aware of any difference in him, he must have already started making you feel unsure of yourself. This is not your fault. It may have taken some time, but you walked away. Don’t ignore that very important fact. You ended it. You’re not going back. You can do anything you want to with your life now.”

  “He’s going to come after me. He’ll make me go back with him,” she sounded helpless.

  Jesse’s arms tightened as if he were refusing to let Earl take her. He kissed her neck and shoulder lightly. “He can try but no matter what, you are not going anywhere with him. I hope you choose to stick with me more than you can possible imagine but even if you decide you don’t want me, I won’t stand by and let him drag you back. It’s up to you where you go from here.”

  “He’s going to be so furious once he knows I left.”

  “You don’t think he knows you’re gone yet?”

  “I doubt it. It’s only five-thirty. I put a cookbook on the counter, surrounded by some ingredients. I don’t think he will be there until late but, in case he comes home on time, I was hoping it looked like I went out to get something for the dinner. I figured he’d think I was just being irresponsible again and go out. He’ll probably stay away until really late to make me worry about what he would do when he finally got home.”

  “So he won
’t determine that you’re gone until later tonight?”

  “Maybe not. He’ll probably believe I went to stay with my mom. I did that a few times before. When I was too hurt to manage his dinner. He didn’t seem to mind if I went there. He never called to check. He just came to get me after work if he decided he was ready for me to come home. He’ll think I was so afraid that I didn’t have his meal ready that I’m hiding. Sometimes he’d leave me there for a few days because it tortured me, not knowing when he’d come for me.”

  “So we have until at least tomorrow afternoon before he starts looking for you.” His mind was racing with possibilities.

  “Um, no,” she whispered. “Oh, God, he’s going to kill me. He won’t bother teaching me a lesson this time. He’s just going to kick my head until it caves in.” She was literally shaking with fear.

  “Abby.” Jesse rested his cheek against her head to get even closer. “Please tell me what you did that you think is going to make him so mad.”

  “I went to the stand where he buys his newspaper every day. They sell tacky postcards and he’s always making fun of them. I bought three and stopped to mail them at the post office so he gets his tomorrow.”

  “What did you write?”

  “That I couldn’t stay with him and tolerate his physical and verbal abuse a minute longer. I added that I was afraid that he had AIDS with the way he screwed around with everyone. I included how he repeatedly shared a woman with two other guys at the same time and no one wore condoms. I mailed it to the bank so everyone would know what he was really like.”

  “Wow.” Jesse’s admiration grew. “Who did you send the others to?”

  “I sent one to the place where I work and one to my mother.”

  “Good move, my clever outlaw.” He kissed her neck again. “I know you believe he has them all convinced but I’m not so sure of that. There’s probably someone who suspects he was doing a number on you. If he forced you to go back with him and something happened, they might just try to help even without you asking for it.”

  She wiggled until she was facing him. “You don’t think I made it worse?”

  “Absolutely not.” He smiled as he caressed her cheek. “I’m impressed. Not only did you take the first step to save yourself, you found a way to stop him from reacting. You are quite a woman.”

  Abby seemed confused by his smile. “How is that going to stop him instead of just pissing him off more?”

  “Simple. You wrote those things on postcards. Think of how many hands they’ll have to go through at the post office. And then at the bank and where you worked. What about your mother’s mailman? Ever noticed a mail carrier sorting through the things in their hands on their way to a mail slot? If something happens to you, someone somewhere will step forward and report what they read on your cards.”

  “What good will that do me? So what if Earl doesn’t get away with it if I’m already dead?”

  “That’s where I come in. If he is arrogant enough to come after you, he’ll certainly never expect me to be with you. If he manages to find you, I’ll stop him before he lays a finger on you. And then he’ll have some explaining to do.”

  “Oh he’ll find me. He won’t give up until he does. Not after I sent him that postcard. Even if he does convince them all I’m crazy, it’ll still embarrass him. I can’t let you get hurt because of me.”

  “I won’t be.”

  “But…”

  “I guess it’s my turn to tell you a little about my life. If you’re up to it.” He could see how drained she was. “We can take a nap again first if you want to.”

  “Why do you look like that?” She noticed his hesitation.

  “Because I don’t want to lose you once you know more about me. I saw your face earlier when Frank was talking about the bad things he’d done while he was in the army. Well, I’ve done things too. I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me,” he said honestly.

  “You’re scaring me.” Abby pulled out of his arms and got out of bed, slipping on the robe. “You said I was safe with you. You said I could trust you.”

  Jesse reclaimed his pants and dressed quickly. His hopes floundered as he saw her backing away from him. Hoping to calm her, he sat in the chair that was farthest from her.

  “Please let me explain,” he requested. “I promise not to move out of this chair until you say I can. You are safe with me. You can trust me. I won’t hurt you. I could never hurt you.”

  “But you said you’re going to tell me about bad stuff.”

  “I have to tell you. To be honest. I don’t want to start out with secrets between us. I can’t let you open up about your past and not share mine. I’m sorry if my own insecurities scared you. I fully intend to marry you. I can’t expect you to make a decision about something that important unless I’m entirely truthful with you.”

  Abby stood motionless, uncertain of what to do. She seemed to want to listen to what he had to say. She seemed to want to trust him. But she’d made such a mistake with Earl. Jesse could tell she was comparing them. He could only hope that as she did she would remember saying she felt safe with him. And although it had only been one day, how he tried to help her feel better. He had put all his caring into his actions. He knew she had to be able to see the fear he was feeling all over his face. He’d just listened to her without judging. More than anything he wanted her to do the same for him.

  Chapter Twelve

  Jesse knew it was the most important moment in his life. If Abby rejected him now, he could lose her forever. If she let the fears and insecurities Earl beat into her destroy the tentative trust she developed for him earlier, he sensed he’d never find a way to rebuild it. She was trembling again. He didn’t know if it would be worse if the cause were her own lack of confidence or her newly formed doubts of him.

  “I-I…” Abby’s voice shook. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Maybe it would help if you said what you were thinking out loud. Sometimes, if you actually hear the words, it makes it easier to decide what’s best for you.”

  “But you’ll hear me.”

  “Yes. Why is this more intimidating than what you already said to me? You’ve been so courageous all day, even when you were in too much pain to think clearly. Is that it?” His concern showed. “I know you’re still suffering but you seem so much better than you were. Look, let’s just forget it for now. I’m pushing you too hard. I’ll go bunk with Frank so you can have some peace. Just promise you’ll be here in the morning. Promise you’ll call me if you need something. No matter what time it is. Promise you’ll give me a chance when you’re feeling better. If you don’t want to be alone, I’m sure I can talk Milo into staying with you.”

  “No.” She frowned.

  “I’m sorry but no to which part of that?” He realized he was holding his breath and slowly exhaled. He had to stay calm even though he felt closer to panicking than he ever had.

  Abby’s head dropped before she mumbled, “No, I don’t want you to go.”

  “Then I won’t.” He smiled even though she missed it.

  “I’m sorry,” she muttered, barely audible.

  “Sorry? About what?” He ached to hold her.

  She was crying again. “I’m sorry for not knowing what to do. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Abby.” His voice wrapped her name in a silent plea. “You’re breaking my heart, precious. It tears me up when you cry. You let me take care of you all day. Won’t you please take what little comfort I can offer you now? Just until you decide what you want to do. I won’t do anything other than hold you. And I’ll let go whenever you want me to. Just for a few minutes.”

  He hoped he sounded sincere. He was sure she could hear the anguish in his voice. Slowly she took a step toward him. After a pause, she took another one. It seemed to take forever for her to reach him. She stopped when she was standing between his feet. Her face stayed pointed at the floor the whole time.

  “Abby,” Jesse whispered. “I can’t
move unless you say it’s what you want. I can’t hold you if you don’t tell me it’s okay.”

  Instead of answering, she slid to the floor and rested her head against his leg. She wrapped one arm around his calf. After a minute, she stretched the other toward his hand and positioned it beneath his fingers.

  Instantly he curled his hand around hers. It wasn’t what he’d had in mind by way of comfort but it would do if this was what she wanted from him. Very gently, he stroked her hair, hoping to soothe as he had earlier when he combed it.

  “These curls are so adorable,” he declared softly. “I really loved the feel of your hair in my hands after we took that shower this afternoon. It was so silky. But now it’s soft and fluffy. I could play with it forever if you’d let me. I never would have guessed that it would be like this before you cut it. I can straighten out a strand and it curls right back up when I let go. Was it always this curly?”

  “I don’t know,” she spoke into his thigh. “It really hasn’t been this short since I was a kid.”

  “Well if you want my opinion I thought your long hair was very attractive. I also think your short hair is adorable.” He focused his attention on playing with her curls as he held her hand. When Abby rolled her head and looked up at him, his breath caught in his throat. Her eyes were huge. Her lips were trembling as her mouth curved into a tiny smile.

  “Thank you,” she said simply.

  “You’re welcome.” He understood what she meant. “It’s my pleasure.”

  “You don’t have to say things like that.”

  “If I’m being honest I do. I wasn’t complimenting you to distract you. I meant every word of it.”

  “I want to believe you.”

  “But?”

  “But I’m back to not trusting myself. I know I’m not a very good judge of character. What if I’m making another mistake? What if you’re only being nice to me so I fall for whatever your plan is? What if you’re a serial killer who wants to make me into a stew to feed the homeless? I’d make a nice, big batch but it would probably be pretty fatty.”